dipping my feet in pools of you

you are my mechanical bride; phenobarbiedoll

i was a hand grenade that never stopped exploding, you were automatic

ok.

big changes. me and sara drove down to carpenteria for a getaway weekend. ended up breaking up instead. i feel bad. its one of the worst feelings to hurt someone like that. and absolutely horrible timing. but it makes it easier for me knowing that she is really better off. but ugh. it was a mess. a very very drunk mess. i urge everyone to try sweet tea vodka by the way. it is amazing. so we drove back the next morning. i stayed the night in merced. she stayed here. packed and left today. still has to come back to get a few things.

she told me i dont deserve to have the kind of love i want. i dont disagree with that. or anything else she said for that matter. but im going to try and be an overacheiver to get that.

i dont want to be in control. i want to be nervous. afraid. and overwhelmed. taken out of my comfort zone. and that sounds like a horrible thing. but its really not. its a beautiful thing.

shouldnt be too much going on at work this week. got some samples to make. half the crew is gonna be gone. so it'll be quiet. i'll probably be on the phone a bit. preparing for the new year. preparing for launch.

its quiet around here. but being alone is something i think i need to be more ok with.

k. i got clothes to iron. and things to move around.