we're too cold to feel remorse

im goin home this weekend. friday morning. after i get my oil changed and i work out.

tomorrow will be neat at work. im sittin in on a conference call with people from the CDC (big government folk), and big people from other companies. just listening, learning.

havent heard anything on the house. so, just in case, were gonna look at other stuff this week, sometime.

i've gained three pounds since last week. :) muscle motherfucker.

i feel, bleh. i need a four day weekend.

theres dishes that need to be done.

where we at w everything. really.

havent heard back on the house yet. ugh.

i need to get my oil changed.

ice skating tonight. karaoke drunkness tonight. should be fun.

i wanna try to recharge my batteries this weekend. cuz by the end of the week im dead.

what else. tokyo steak house was good last night.

my protein diet is goin well.

good luck to willhoite.

me n mike have been talkin more the past few days. we got mucho catchin up to do.

and thats about it.

so tell me now
if this aint love
then how do we get through?

my body is broken and sore. and growing. im eating my weight in grams of protein. 175. bitches.

today i played at work. tried out the energy burrito. came up with a great cinnamon cream fill. with lil cinnabites. which i got a compliment on. so pictures. this. i had a nice big bowl of this fill. i added a pinch, a gram and a half, of pure caffeine, and it turned the whole thing bitter. its potent stuff. if you eat a spoon of it you die basically. it should come with a toxic label. but this will be a challenge.

house to myself.

im exhausted. cant wait til the week is over.

i think. ive been good. about keeping my other appetite suppressed. i think this house thing is taking care of that. i think my days and evenings are too filled to think about it. what happened to the man who got everything he wanted? is that even possible? i'd like to think it is. and i (we) could live in complete bliss. in a perfect world. with a perfect you. and perfect me. all the things she said. and all that could have been.

as the stars rise up
for the six hundredth time
i put the glass down
and hide my breath away
put the peddle on the floor
im comin over

rain punishes the window
blinding my sights
i got a bottle in the backseat
singing songs from forgotten days
running chances through my head
piecing everything together
of whats been left unsaid

every push against the bricks
every new acre my soul has explored
every time my body was empty
and i told myself i could take more
i had our rust colored picture in mind

i said why dont you let me in
its kind of wet out here
everything i need
is right inside
anyway
can you read the words behind a smile
im about ready to jump ship
so ready for this

what if i told you
the one thing i wanted
more than the world
was just to hold you
for two minutes
brush your cheek
forget about everyone else
baby please
just listen to me
i know you can see
im not the same boy i used to be

every push against the bricks
every new acre my soul has explored
every time my body was empty
and i told myself i could take more
i had our rust colored picture in mind

we dance
we play
god after so long
how does it feel the same
im not ready to leave
not tonight
darling i swear
i wont cross that line

ill take out a blanket
sleep on the floor
next to your bed
restless with lights out
you know im right
ok you can come up
but just for tonight

every push against the bricks
every new acre my soul has explored
every time my body was empty
and i told myself i could take more
i had our rust colored picture in mind

moving season

so. ive noticed. that everyone is movin.

i will be movin soon. i hope.
christina just moved.
kristina is movin.
amber is movin.
aaaaaaaaaaaand my old dear friend mike is movin. back to cali. this is gonna be some real shit.

i got an offer in on a house. but i think theres quite a few. we'll see how it goes.

im also full. ive been tryin to eat more protein. in turn. im really full.

im gonna have a couple days this week extra time. the boss is gone. so im gonna continue to work on benchtopping a recipe. i have a bag of pure caffeine. im gonna make an energy item. exciting. apparently caffeine straight taste like sour earwax. so this will be a challenge.

i think thats about it.

were goin ice skating and gettin crunk this weekend.

indecent proposal. everyone has a price. mine is about 100 grand.

a letter from my heart
told me to wait here
in the wind
defending ours
we've made so many times
i read
and i obeyed
can we separate
the cold shoulders
put them in their place
can we do without
this ambivalence
won't you come now
its getting bright
take me home
take me anywhere
really
the sounds of iron and cotton
caught in our words
we'll fool the world
breaking ribs
down to the hips
we can fool the world
and make it yours

i needed a test
so i set out to choose someone
who could light up the sun like i do
wouldnt it be something to chase it?

oh my have i been busy. work is pickin up. im takin more of my supervisors workload. good for her cuz she's gonna be gone all week next week and guess who gets to do it. my meeting with the executive team, the "wisemen" as i call them, went well. some ideas came out of it. when these ideas were talked about at our weekly meeting this afternoon one of the technologist looked at me like why you givin me this extra work. i gestured to him this is mine i'll take care of it. business is pickin up for sure.

ok heres the good stuff. went and looked at two houses today. both two story houses. love it. the first one was nice. i said ok this is really good but lets look at the second as a reference kinda. and that house was AMAZING. new paint. new carpet. balcony. nothing that needed to be fixed. waaaay under priced. so im bidding. im excited. im tryin not to get too excited. but im prepared to go over asking price to get this. its much more than i thought i could get. the master bedroom is great. the kitchen is big. automatic sprinklers and garage door. nice vaulted ceiling, fireplace. its all good. and im gonna try as hard as i can to get that shit. livin the dream.

ok. so im home. im exhausted. gonna see my friends tomorrow. gotta make the rounds. i miss the people back home. and it hasnt been that long since ive seen them. i think i got used to comin home every weekend.

life is good.
lets make it better.

you'll never love me, until you love yourself

still busy at work. i got big boys callin me up askin when this is gonna run. when can we do that. my trainin wheels are comin off. daddys gotta make that cheddar. i got up at four this morning. so im tired now. but im gonna have a busy couple days left this week.

its hot.

aaaaaaaaand we gotta work on some things.

underwhelm me

ive been busy at work. follow ups to deviations. new deviations. meetings. overseeing. staying off the computer program as much as i can. and ive been doin good at it lately. ive been lobbying to go on a trip to washington dc next month. that didnt work. but i might be goin to vegas in october. im not getting my hopes up though. but. awesome thing. i will be playing golf with a few of the guys in r&d at the IFT golf tournament for students. which i catered last year. this year im playin that shit. so thats cool that i was invited to that.

schedule comin up looks like this. gotta go to bed early tonight cuz i gotta be to work at six tomorrow. oi. then i guess im goin on a picnic in the evening.

thursday.... i dunno.....

friday the plan is to check out some houses after work... then depending on what happens ill drive home...

saturday ill be hangin out with christina... which im lookin forward to.. been a while...

i bought some testosterone boosters... desperate times call for desperate measures... im tryin to eat more protein... drink more water... do the things i need to do to get bigger... we'll see how this goes...

and thats about it. im content.

decadent shit and rival nights

this weekend was pretty fuckin good. i mean, its up there. start with the wedding. it was a really small ceremony. we were privileged to be invited. i thought i was gonna get all mushy but didnt really. i was thinking what i want and dont want at my wedding. whenever the hell that is. had a little social anxiety. danced for half a song. and it was some good stuff. then drove over to the hotel. excuse me, resort. and holy shit was that something else. the place is gated and they check to see if you even belong there at the gate. i guess thats what six hundred dollars gets ya. drive up this long ass drive way through hills to the check in spot. did that. then drove another mile up the hill to our room. which looked like apartments. the view was pretty good. the room was pretty awesome. two fireplaces. wood floors. six dollar m&m's. i'll leave out all the "intimate" stuff but that was good too. lol. got up this morning. sat out on the balcony and listened to all the Lamborghinis and Ferraris go through the hills. there was a car show in town. anyway. it feels good stayin at places like that. dining with the snot heads and all that. i sat out there thinking why the fuck am i living in fresno. me n this girl could pack up and live on the coast and be able to make it just fine i think. but i hate fresno i mean. it is what it is. and its not good lol. why stay five years? i think i'd be just as fine stayin here two. i dunno. we'll see how it goes. k back to my weekend story. went to carmel downtown. thats a neat little town. didnt explore really just walked down to the beach and back. that beach is pretty cool. white sands. fancy houses on the hills. looked very east coast. god what am i doing here. then went kayaking again in monterey. not as many animals as out as there was last time and the battery died on the camera halfway through which was a bummer but got plenty of pics from this weekend. which i will upload now. not even looking forward to going to work tomorrow. ugh.

have you ever noticed albums are completely different depending on how and where you listen to them. my favorite is headphones and a dark room. creepy i know. but it heightens the senses.

my stuff got moved around at work. my meeting got moved to monday. plant trial to tuesday. oi. i was told today "rumor is youre getting your wits about you". ill take that. as i get more comfortable i talk more. say my ideas. i dunno.

gotta get up early again tomorrow. shiiiit. but tomorrow. and sunday. are going to be awesome days.

i feel like writing.

walkin like vince mcmahon

today was a productive day. i did my plant trial deviations. thought i had one. ended up gettin three. kudos to me or something. everything went well. get to show the product tomorrow to the big boys. im doin this all on my own. and my report showing went good too. thanks.

thats about it for today.

i gotta work out extra tomorrow. so i can look good walkin around at the beach with my shirt off. heh. not gonna happen. bye

tomorrows gonna be a busy day at work. hope it all goes well.

i think i pulled something in my hip. oi.

so i was told the other day. once you get a house. dont look at what else comes on the market. cuz all you can do is feel regret. you'll always see something else your curious about. i think this is also true with relationships. if you have wandering eyes. you won't ever be happy.

im full.

she said she loved me but she was drunk

im not going to texas. i hate my supervisor. grrrrrrrrrrr. but i got to help another of the techs today. learnin about flour. and there's a lot to know believe it or not.

excited about the wedding this weekend. that'll be fun. i need to see the ocean again. although its only been a week. im needy like that. im sure i'll get all sappy watchin that shit too. sometimes i think im ready. sometimes i think im not even close. shrugs.

looked at a house today. definately gettin closer. but it was still a little too "rough". and he said i could get better. so wait i will.

house to myself tonight. odd.

i haven't been eating much lately. i dunno why.

and thats about all i had to say.

making food out of frozen ingredients is hard. its a completely different style of "cooking" all together. i thought it was gonna be a lot easier. but i basically wasn't successful today. im just waitin for one ok and ill be going to texas next week. leavin tuesday probably and comin back thursday. nice. ill be goin with russ. who isnt much fun. but he's incredibly brilliant. and i'll be happy to travel. get the f out of here. so things are shapin up like this. leavin this weekend for monterey. gotta be back not too late on sunday because i have a plant trial early monday morning. then leave tuesday to texas. back thursday. and have an important cutting friday. so lots going on all of a sudden.

all the things she said.
and all that could have been.

today is cleanin day. this apartment is a mess. i need more room. more room. and doin laundry here sucks. ok thats enough complaining.

went and looked at houses yesterday. im gonna have to find a place the second it comes on the market.

tomorrow my supervisor is gonna be gone at work. sooo im gonna try and come up with some new items that my boss asked about on friday. some healthy items. i took healthy cooking. i can do this shit.

i got drunk the last two nights. is that worth writing about?

living content.

babys got a problem.
tries so hard to hide.
got to keep it on the surface.
because everything else is deaad on the other side.

i feel good. maybe thats because im buzzing. lol.

things went well today. the cfo and director or r&d really liked my report. so the whole him and the whole r&d group; im gonna go over it with all of them next week at a meeting i have to set up. oi nervous just thinking about it. also plant trial next week and the following monday. which means going in at four am or some such shit. oh! aaaaaaaaaaaand im gonna go to texas soon. i mentioned it would be good if i went there to see the plant and he agreed. so i think that'll happen within the month.

house stuff tomorrow. im semi excited.

hey its the weekend.

party hard.

D

so much for all that
i think ive had my fill
no use in fighting
he bows to your will
drinking from fragmented flowers
trying to achieve your nectar
youve gone back to hive
and i choose to follow
even if it kills me
even if it kills me
such a rare treat
this skin is
the taste of flesh
and strings
you crave
the taste of heart
and tears
is all the rage
compound problems
sore to the sky
try to tear em down
but dont have the time
who cares now
whos gonna sail the world now
bring the boat
wind carry me home.

this week went by quick.

got my report done today. my supervisor said good job and i put alot of work into it. lets see what the big boys say tomorrow. i think its cool that although the company i work for makes over half a billion a year that its still a small type company. i see the cfo on a regular basis. the owners. the head of the department. its a close knit group.

my body is quite sore.

saturday i go look at houses. i asked my dad a couple times if he wanted to come this weekend. apparently im bothering and pushing. excuse me. but if i dont ask, this shit wont happen. i dont need them tryin baby me when they dont even know what theyre talking about. and they wont give me a timetable grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

everything else is goooooood.

k.

not much to say.
i guess because not much is going on.
everything is in slow mo.
i need to kick up my shit at work.
i changed my work out routine.
maybe we'll get some better results.
ive seen every single episode of the office.
that or sopranos i dont know which is better.
two different monsters.
and everything else we're just kind of waiting on.
k.