aaaaaaaaaaand im back at home.
today was a really shitty day at work. not my fault. but i looked bad. now i gotta make up for it. and i think i know how'll ill do that.
house stuff is goin good i believe. next week im gonna look at houses. and seriously look too.
goin to the fair again tomorrow. w sara. i have a ferris wheel ride to make up for i guess.
and thats about it.
blah blah blah
whispers in the dark
i'd like to play my favorite game again... do you remember what its called?... who is the better lover... such an intense game... its not one that you can just play on a regular basis... because it takes every fiber of one's being... who can make the other... breathe the deepest... cringe the hardest... exude the most nectar... how hard can you make it hurt... can you get them just to that point... where they're on the line... wavering on the threshold, between misery... and ecstasy... stretching and pushing... each muscle... to its brink... how many ways... can you twist, tease, scratch, and penetrate... to induce pleasure... how hard must one press... to turn white skin blue... with hair between fingers... torso within thighs... upside down... and inside right... against a wall... or under a mirror... gasping sounds that flow through ears... wrapped in sheets... and sweat... holding on while letting go... lips tight... can make glorious sounds... shhhhhhhhhhh.
if it gives you hell
i was born without a name.
they just gave me a number.
on the back of my neck.
not much to say. im in a little bubble of chi and zen. not considered with all too much. im good.
weekend was good. went to the fair. had to deal with my belligerent brother. but in the end i got a bag full of booze. niiiiice.
my working results have really tapered off. i had to quit for a bit when i got sunburned and that really fucked me. so im quite discouraged. maybe im doing something wrong. i dunno.
work has been dulll. computers computers computers. not what i was bred for.
the relationship is well. i dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of it.
still saving money.
these new bed sheets are nice. i need to break them in.
they just gave me a number.
on the back of my neck.
not much to say. im in a little bubble of chi and zen. not considered with all too much. im good.
weekend was good. went to the fair. had to deal with my belligerent brother. but in the end i got a bag full of booze. niiiiice.
my working results have really tapered off. i had to quit for a bit when i got sunburned and that really fucked me. so im quite discouraged. maybe im doing something wrong. i dunno.
work has been dulll. computers computers computers. not what i was bred for.
the relationship is well. i dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of it.
still saving money.
these new bed sheets are nice. i need to break them in.
im your passenger
my body is sore. good.
the plant trial went pretty flawlessly the other morning. i think theres gonna be another one next week, maybe the week after. and i should be doin it by myself. im feelin better about bein able to do it on my own. other than that work has been plain this week. plain like a pair of khakis.
back home tomorrow after work. saturday me and kristina are going to the fair. im gonna see sara sometime this weekend. at least sunday night. and thats going well too so far i think. at least im pretty sure. i mean. i made her a key. on that note i heard from jennifer today. havent talked/texted her in like a month so i kinda caught her up on stuff. and given the current situation i thought itd be best if we didnt hang out. no i wasnt told not to. but i said things were gonna be different. and thats something that needed to change i think. and thats it.
i havent spoken much to other people either. havent heard from christina in over a month. i think me n amber have exchanged two texts in over a week. and thats how things are. i had a conversation about needing certain peoples attention. well. this is me not needing attention.
im tryin to be a better person. i think its going ok so far.
and apparently i have an anniversary to make up for. so i gotta think of something novel, cute, cheap, and clever.
roll the windows down.
the plant trial went pretty flawlessly the other morning. i think theres gonna be another one next week, maybe the week after. and i should be doin it by myself. im feelin better about bein able to do it on my own. other than that work has been plain this week. plain like a pair of khakis.
back home tomorrow after work. saturday me and kristina are going to the fair. im gonna see sara sometime this weekend. at least sunday night. and thats going well too so far i think. at least im pretty sure. i mean. i made her a key. on that note i heard from jennifer today. havent talked/texted her in like a month so i kinda caught her up on stuff. and given the current situation i thought itd be best if we didnt hang out. no i wasnt told not to. but i said things were gonna be different. and thats something that needed to change i think. and thats it.
i havent spoken much to other people either. havent heard from christina in over a month. i think me n amber have exchanged two texts in over a week. and thats how things are. i had a conversation about needing certain peoples attention. well. this is me not needing attention.
im tryin to be a better person. i think its going ok so far.
and apparently i have an anniversary to make up for. so i gotta think of something novel, cute, cheap, and clever.
roll the windows down.
(home)
i havent worked out since thursday. i feel flabby. although i bet i look pretty much the same. and i pretty much looked the same before that. and before that i was normal. got that?
i get an extra paycheck this month. nice. even though it all comes out the same in the end. its still extra. got that?
im also officially with sara again. im not going to hold myself back anymore. i think this is gonna turn out well. got that?
gotta try to go to bed early tonight. gonna be up at 3am. at least im off early tomorrow.
got it.
i get an extra paycheck this month. nice. even though it all comes out the same in the end. its still extra. got that?
im also officially with sara again. im not going to hold myself back anymore. i think this is gonna turn out well. got that?
gotta try to go to bed early tonight. gonna be up at 3am. at least im off early tomorrow.
got it.
all i can say is ouch. i cant move without it hurting. im already blistering. this shit really sucks. and thats all i gotta say about that.
work was ok today. everyone called in. tomorrow i got one paper to take care of. and then i think im gonna play tryin to create flavors for my quesadillas. thats a job? get outta here. ya dont say. aaaaaaaaand wednesday i gotta be in tulare at five am. which means not much sleep tomorrow night.
and im thinking im not gonna get the normal amount tonight either. but thats ok. ya see. sometimes you come to forks in the road. and you keep walkin down the same road and it keeps takin you to the same places. or sometimes. you walk down the road with someone and youre goin the right way. but youre a dick to them the whole time. and you realize what an asshole youve been. and that things dont need to be like that. or sometimes. it all just clicks. and you know whats good.
rub lotion on me.
work was ok today. everyone called in. tomorrow i got one paper to take care of. and then i think im gonna play tryin to create flavors for my quesadillas. thats a job? get outta here. ya dont say. aaaaaaaaand wednesday i gotta be in tulare at five am. which means not much sleep tomorrow night.
and im thinking im not gonna get the normal amount tonight either. but thats ok. ya see. sometimes you come to forks in the road. and you keep walkin down the same road and it keeps takin you to the same places. or sometimes. you walk down the road with someone and youre goin the right way. but youre a dick to them the whole time. and you realize what an asshole youve been. and that things dont need to be like that. or sometimes. it all just clicks. and you know whats good.
rub lotion on me.
afraid to burn?
this weekend was good. i went home friday night. and got drunk at my parents. but had an intense conversation through text. things that needed to be said. and heard. and i did hear.
saturday i went to the beach with my parents. which wasnt half bad. i went out with kristina. we went to slo. got the amazing cuginis pizza. and had a ball downtown. talked about stuff. got her opinion on things. and i came home.
today. sara came into town. and we spent the day in morro bay. i got incredibly incredibly sun burnt. but it was good. it was real good. we have fun together. we went back to my parents. laid on my inflatable matress for a while and danced around a fire. without being burned. so now im home. im super super red. and not ready for work tomorrow.
which way do we go. cuz it could get really fuckin heavy.
saturday i went to the beach with my parents. which wasnt half bad. i went out with kristina. we went to slo. got the amazing cuginis pizza. and had a ball downtown. talked about stuff. got her opinion on things. and i came home.
today. sara came into town. and we spent the day in morro bay. i got incredibly incredibly sun burnt. but it was good. it was real good. we have fun together. we went back to my parents. laid on my inflatable matress for a while and danced around a fire. without being burned. so now im home. im super super red. and not ready for work tomorrow.
which way do we go. cuz it could get really fuckin heavy.
gradually, then suddenly
so today was a pretty crazy day at work. first my supervisor told me i was gonna be doin a plant trial on my own next week. but she just says things sometimes. i'd have no idea how to do that so we'll see how that goes. then i had my product showcase. and that lasted about two hours and there was lots of discussion. which led to a couple ideas. and right after the meeting one of the food techs asked if i wanted to get goin on new stuff this afternoon. i said really? he said yeah this is your project. so we made a couple prototypes. and were showin them tomorrow. rarely ideas get picked up like this but i hope this one does. and i think doin this is good experience anyway. so yaaaaaaaaaaay.
im lookin at places online. i printed out a picture of a house i wanted and put it at my desk. to remind me.
im goin home tomorrow night. get away from this heat.
had a conversation today, well two. about my not having enough way of life. and its been concluded i need to change. its not a mental switch. its an effort of my soul. not saying im going to settle or anything. but shit. im not perfect. how can i expect someone else to be?
and it keeps repeating.
would you please complete me?
im lookin at places online. i printed out a picture of a house i wanted and put it at my desk. to remind me.
im goin home tomorrow night. get away from this heat.
had a conversation today, well two. about my not having enough way of life. and its been concluded i need to change. its not a mental switch. its an effort of my soul. not saying im going to settle or anything. but shit. im not perfect. how can i expect someone else to be?
and it keeps repeating.
would you please complete me?
so had my house buying meeting today. it was good and bad. i qualify for a lot. so thats good. but the condo throws everything for a loop. i have to put money down. and it has to be within a couple if im gonna get 10% back. oi. and if i wanna do a zero down thing i have to buy outside city limits. so with all that being said, i need to come up with some money. can i borrow three grand?
this coming home alone thing is old.
i miss being able to talk about stuff and think out loud with sara. sighs.
there was more i had to say but its been a long day.
this coming home alone thing is old.
i miss being able to talk about stuff and think out loud with sara. sighs.
there was more i had to say but its been a long day.
tomorrow im going to talk to two finance people about me getting a home. im excited. my parents are comin around about it too. i hope i can qualify for something good. i want a two story place. cuz i want stairs for some reason. we'll see how it goes.
i went over amandas house this evening too. that was neat. we talk well.
im going home this weekend. i plan on going to pismo saturday evening. sara is supposed to be there too this weekend. with the boy. ehhhhhh i dont wanna run into that. we're talking now. which is fine. but. shakes head.
work is going good. i got a big cutting scheduled for thursday. thats a little nervewracking.
i went over amandas house this evening too. that was neat. we talk well.
im going home this weekend. i plan on going to pismo saturday evening. sara is supposed to be there too this weekend. with the boy. ehhhhhh i dont wanna run into that. we're talking now. which is fine. but. shakes head.
work is going good. i got a big cutting scheduled for thursday. thats a little nervewracking.
boy did i make a bad decision. thats the selfish part of me talking. this weekend was really disappointing. not much said. at all. nothing came close to stimulating conversation. im not lying when i say it was quiet 90% of the time. at least. sighs. huntington and all that is an awesome place. awesome. but i might as well be fuckin here when im not with people that want to go out and have fun. walk on the beach. get wet. go places. laugh at the same shit. good lord. this weekend could have been soooooooooo much better. it pisses me off. at least i know where to go back for a good time with someone worth going with. fuck. FUCK. i was watching people windsurf which looked absolutely amazing to me and i wanna do it. and i kept thinking wow if i was here with somoene else we would be out doing that shit. im just angry at the whole situation. and its my own doing.
i used to be the sweet boy. i pulled out a table with a table cloth and candles, playing opera music in the background, wine, flowers, all dressed up, making a fancy dinner at the same time. once i put a beach blanket out on my floor, cut out starfish and shells outta paper and had a clam chowder date. i used to be amazing at that cheesy romantic stuff. what the fuck happened.
give me by the end of the year. everything will be complete. and ill be the happiest motherfucker on the planet. so let it be written. so let it be done.
i used to be the sweet boy. i pulled out a table with a table cloth and candles, playing opera music in the background, wine, flowers, all dressed up, making a fancy dinner at the same time. once i put a beach blanket out on my floor, cut out starfish and shells outta paper and had a clam chowder date. i used to be amazing at that cheesy romantic stuff. what the fuck happened.
give me by the end of the year. everything will be complete. and ill be the happiest motherfucker on the planet. so let it be written. so let it be done.
i had to push you away
to achieve something
wouldnt go on your own
not even if it was for your betterment
i never told you that it was a lie
i never told you that it was a lie
incredible foresight
shot it straight down the line
and who was right
yeah who was right
if we only knew the truth
you might look at me differently
and all that changed
was one thing
just take care of the children
im sure im not missing much
theyve grown all they can
swimming upside down
to achieve something
wouldnt go on your own
not even if it was for your betterment
i never told you that it was a lie
i never told you that it was a lie
incredible foresight
shot it straight down the line
and who was right
yeah who was right
if we only knew the truth
you might look at me differently
and all that changed
was one thing
just take care of the children
im sure im not missing much
theyve grown all they can
swimming upside down
sleep apnea
i dont know where im going. and that feels ok.
hung out with amanda today solo. thats a first not counting lunch at the pub at school. she's a genuine good person. i know only a few of those.
lets see. tomorrow is gonna be a busy day at work. i hope it all goes well.
then after i think amber is coming to town. at least i hope so. and what we're gonna do i dunno yet.
i feel like writing. i think ill do that now.
hung out with amanda today solo. thats a first not counting lunch at the pub at school. she's a genuine good person. i know only a few of those.
lets see. tomorrow is gonna be a busy day at work. i hope it all goes well.
then after i think amber is coming to town. at least i hope so. and what we're gonna do i dunno yet.
i feel like writing. i think ill do that now.
today was emotionally rough. i dont know why. i did it to myself. nostalgia is a bitch. and so is my shitty tendency of walking forward, while looking back. so is my never ending appetite. that needs to just go away. cuz im tired of never being satisfied with what i have. i really really really am. three times this pattern has repeated now. if i was smarter i wouldn't be in this position anymore. i am indeed my own worst enemy. it's not a matter of enjoying the fruit, its being quenched by it. so why can't i? is it not time? i want it to be. maybe it will all pay off. but shits a gamble. maybe it won't. but numerous experiences with numerous people is getting old. ive always said one of the best feelings in the world is getting to know someone. i indeed believe that. the temporary butterflies that make one float. are becoming extinct. i think.
civil
yesterday was fun. me and kristina went to pismo to celebrate the fourth with doug and percy. me and percy have gotten past our bump in the road from about 5 years ago or more. so thats good. overall it was a damn good time. the beach was packed but we managed a good parking spot somehow. the show went on for what seemed like at least half an hour. then after we went to dennys and ate up. it was a good time. while the fireworks were going off i was watching the ocean light up more so than the fireworks themselves. its really pretty. i think i want to go back and do that next year. but next time bring beer.
usually when i come home at night my dad is asleep on the couch. i mean passed out. i dont think he even sleeps in the bedroom with my mom anymore shakes head. no i take that back. last time when i was home i got up early in the morning and their bedroom door was wide open and he was passed out naked on top of the sheets. thank god he was ass up in the air. ugh. so anyway. i come home last night and he's knocked out. only this time there is porn on tv. what the fuck. its like ya know im comin home. you know youre gonna fall asleep. why do that shit. i was embarrassed for him. of course i admired the television for a bit. but i just thought that was ridiculous.
i got chores to do today. work out. stuff like that. i wanna go somewhere next weekend. maybe back home. maybe to santa barbara. we'll see.
usually when i come home at night my dad is asleep on the couch. i mean passed out. i dont think he even sleeps in the bedroom with my mom anymore shakes head. no i take that back. last time when i was home i got up early in the morning and their bedroom door was wide open and he was passed out naked on top of the sheets. thank god he was ass up in the air. ugh. so anyway. i come home last night and he's knocked out. only this time there is porn on tv. what the fuck. its like ya know im comin home. you know youre gonna fall asleep. why do that shit. i was embarrassed for him. of course i admired the television for a bit. but i just thought that was ridiculous.
i got chores to do today. work out. stuff like that. i wanna go somewhere next weekend. maybe back home. maybe to santa barbara. we'll see.
my first escape. on this network page.
just in case
my friend
we all go down
the day our veils fall away
i enclosed a little disk
in a big black box
saying exactly how i feel
it says
shhhhhhhhhh
just in time
we got there
before the slaves started workin away
get out your chairs
sit and watch the kingdom be built
it was something amazing to see
and entire city
engraved in your name
engraved in your face
just a little more
i asked for
and you denied me
just like always
it got old
a while ago
nothing phases you
keep your secrets deep
just once
in a remote escape
and a moment of lapse
we forfeited
just in case you forgot
i wanted to go back
to try and phase you
and it fell flat
they say clothes makes man
but i dont agree.
my friend
we all go down
the day our veils fall away
i enclosed a little disk
in a big black box
saying exactly how i feel
it says
shhhhhhhhhh
just in time
we got there
before the slaves started workin away
get out your chairs
sit and watch the kingdom be built
it was something amazing to see
and entire city
engraved in your name
engraved in your face
just a little more
i asked for
and you denied me
just like always
it got old
a while ago
nothing phases you
keep your secrets deep
just once
in a remote escape
and a moment of lapse
we forfeited
just in case you forgot
i wanted to go back
to try and phase you
and it fell flat
they say clothes makes man
but i dont agree.
here we are.
- ar·che·type
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈär-ki-ˌtīp\
1: the original pattern or model of which all things of the same type are representations or copies : prototype ; also : a perfect example
2: an inherited idea or mode of thought in the psychology of C. G. Jung that is derived from the experience of the race and is present in the unconscious of the individual
with that being said.
the last two months have brought a change in lifestyle. graduated. started working for a large company doing what i want to be doing, making good money. i bought a new car. have a new growing physique from working out. i feel good about my life and myself. so how about a new blog. i found in my old one that i was censoring myself. that wont be the case here. welcome to the soul of the new machine.
where to start now. how about work. it consumes most of my hours these days. and i work with a new group of people. being that its is a mexican food company. everyone speaks spanish. so im kinda learning. i work in the lab with one guy named frank. frank makes me so sad. he's 35. looks still like he's 25. and has absolutely no life whatsoever. plays video games. alone. goes to the movies alone. thats all he does. to each there own ya know, but i just want to pick him up and shake the fuck out of him. enjoy life. live for fucks sake. we invite him to do shit all the time and he just wont. i asked him the other day. "what do you want out of your life frank". he replied "oh the usuall stuff, a wife, a family, a house". so i asked him. "what are you doing to get those things." to that he had no answer. i want to help him. but he wont have it. you cant help the helpless i guess. i dunno why i started talking about that.
this weekend im looking forward to. tomorrow night im going to the beach with my dear friend haley. im so enfatuated with the smell of ocean air and the coldness that the shore brings. thats when i feel the most high on life. the beach/ocean is such a powerful beautiful force. so im also going there saturday for the fourth of july too. with my best friend kristina. i wish she lived here so we could hang out more. ive never had a dull time with her.
2: an inherited idea or mode of thought in the psychology of C. G. Jung that is derived from the experience of the race and is present in the unconscious of the individual
with that being said.
the last two months have brought a change in lifestyle. graduated. started working for a large company doing what i want to be doing, making good money. i bought a new car. have a new growing physique from working out. i feel good about my life and myself. so how about a new blog. i found in my old one that i was censoring myself. that wont be the case here. welcome to the soul of the new machine.
where to start now. how about work. it consumes most of my hours these days. and i work with a new group of people. being that its is a mexican food company. everyone speaks spanish. so im kinda learning. i work in the lab with one guy named frank. frank makes me so sad. he's 35. looks still like he's 25. and has absolutely no life whatsoever. plays video games. alone. goes to the movies alone. thats all he does. to each there own ya know, but i just want to pick him up and shake the fuck out of him. enjoy life. live for fucks sake. we invite him to do shit all the time and he just wont. i asked him the other day. "what do you want out of your life frank". he replied "oh the usuall stuff, a wife, a family, a house". so i asked him. "what are you doing to get those things." to that he had no answer. i want to help him. but he wont have it. you cant help the helpless i guess. i dunno why i started talking about that.
this weekend im looking forward to. tomorrow night im going to the beach with my dear friend haley. im so enfatuated with the smell of ocean air and the coldness that the shore brings. thats when i feel the most high on life. the beach/ocean is such a powerful beautiful force. so im also going there saturday for the fourth of july too. with my best friend kristina. i wish she lived here so we could hang out more. ive never had a dull time with her.
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