better things?

i'll start by saying, im not gonna explain things in here. im tired of saying "they're just lyrics" or "its nothing". thats all it ever is. and thats it. we're too far along to be doing this... still.

got to do new things at work today. i saved the company money. not all that much. but i did. good for me.

independent movies are a gamble. but so are regular ones for that matter. i dont think you'll get utter crap in the theatre. but you may get it with a IFC movie. i dunno.

there was a lot i wanted to say all day today. but now im tired. maybe i just need another drink.

the orphan is a fucked up movie. but its kept me on this couch and paying attention none the less.

knotts scary farm tomorrow. skeet skeet.

i want to be overcome.
cant wait for this week to be over.

feel like getting drunk. but i gotta work tomorrow.

everyone's upset
i wanted to breathe the fumes
everyone got blazed
i still love you

i was ready to go to texas a long time ago. i guess as long as everyone else thinks so.

hungry, mad, out for blood

tomorrow is casual friday

emoriffic
i am trying to free the light that i cannot pretend.

i gotta box of mini martini glasses. itll take about 8 hours to get drunk outta these things.

3 weeks outta 25. i aint got that kind of time.

am i on the way to living my dream? i dunno. i wanted to be further along than i am right now. i know that. is this the right path? i dunno.

do i make you proud? does it really matter anyway, no.

i stepped on something sharp today. i guess thats better than swallowing it. thats what she said.

thank you for your time.
oh this pale white pony
just aint what she used to be
aint what she used to be
oh this pale white pony
just aint what she used to be
aint what she used to be
work was slow.

and i feel numb.

baja fresh was ok.

its cold out.

and that was my tuesday.

maybe wednesday will be better.

100th post

"Of all pleasures the hunt for new pleasures is the most gratifying pleasure of all." - Michel de Montaigne

recurring themes while i sleep
get outta my dreams
please

it's not me, it's you (deposits and fossils)

decent day. good concept showing. "this is promising". so i might have something thats going to effect an entire brand. we'll see. things move slowly in this light.

i didnt wanna get up today.

30 day notice. and im innnnnnnnnnn. nervous.

i feel ok. not bad. not great.

i was gonna make dinner tonight. but i would have been cooking for one. ohhhh well.

maybe i'll go home the weekend after this.

i wish i had more to talk about. but i got shit.

maybe i can just make up some stuff.
tell me... tell me why... why the archetype was right... and still didnt win... tell me all the things... you found wrong with him...

i went looking at luxury apartment homes today... if one avenue doesn't work... there's always other routes... but anyway... i found a couple really nice places... that i could see myself living in... i want to upgrade my life... and this is one way of doing it... so... i suppose its something to be excited about...

i dont need anything super nice for my birthday...

not sure how next week at work is gonna be... the upstairs guys are gonna be gone... its gonna be a free reign sorta thing... maybe i'll try to come up with some stuff... maybe some cost savings... i dunno...

and thats it.

tomorrow is sit on my ass and watch football day... and clean the fish tank.. and work out i guess... im relapsing...

im hungry...
break my bones
so we can disappear
and let this pain
be a still reminder
that the world was so cold
and that the world
is not our place
everything
has
to end
break my bones
so we can disappear
the world is not so cold
and the world is not our place

booze, babes, & tornados

all along
you're no good
you don't care
like you should

oooooooooooook. tell me. tell me about your trip. tell me about your trip to vegas.

got in tuesday evening. the three of us guys went to dinner down in the steakhouse located in the lobby. i had a sampler of filet mignon, chilean sea bass, and pork loin. tastyyyyy. thennn me jenna and luis hung out. gambled a tiny bit. had special suckers. and drank rockstar & mandarin vodka til about 3am. chillin down by the pool in the lounge area. havin a ball. life was good. except i had to be up in four hours.

wednesday. it was a rough time gettin up. i wasnt hungover. i was exhausted. but i made it through the day. saw part of the expo. which turned out to be pretty fuckin call. every awesome food and beverage company youve ever heard of. all giving out free booze and food. we even had margaritas at our booth as well. wednesday night our company went out to dinner at texas de brazil. there was about 25 of us. one big fucking table. i came in last and got a seat at one of the ends. i didnt feel right sitting there and some of the people who i hadnt met yet was like "who the fuck is that guy sittin at the head of the table". but. the food. amazing. the wine. amazing. afterwards i was exhausted. went back to the hotel and basically crashed.

thurday. worked more during the day. met Weeman from jackass and the Bella twins from wrestling. that was pretty damn cool. afterwards we went to benihanas. delicious. also more amazing wine. then the three of us guys went out to a couple shops and gamblin. i got in after twelve. couldnt fall asleep til after two which pissed me off. but oh well.

today. the show was really slow. so we spent alot of time walking around getting a whole bunch of free stuff. i think i have about 10 packs of cloves/cigarettes/cigars and about twenty energy drinks. they had some neat stuff. protein water. relaxer soda. stuff like that. fad foods. but neat. we were scheduled for an eight thirty flight tonight back home but were put on standby for a four thirty. we hauled ass across the airport and got there just in time for the 430. if we were there two minutes later we wouldnt have made it. but im home. our flight would be leaving from vegas just now. which would have sucked. but its good it didnt happen.

so all in all it was a bomb ass trip. it was great to get away. i had a lot of good food and good booze. oh and most of the booths had models handing out product. which was neat. but its not like im gonna do anything about it ya know. besides chat. haha shrugs. and now im back in fresno................ yay? i wanna go back to vegas on a trip.

i guess next week we're goin to knots berry farm for halloween. stayin at the resort. should be interesting.

ummmmm what else. im not sure. lets drink some more.

everytime im flyin on a plane i think to myself. how everything looks so small. and how much earth there really is. and how absolutely insignicant we are comparitively. tiny me. making tiny food. for peoples tiny stomaches. and my tiny feelings. and tiny heart.

you promised not to do anything stupid

take only what you need from me

so im considering this week a half way vacation week. let the good times roll. i think this trip to vegas is coming at the perfect time. i need a getaway.

things have been rough. but maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. (even when its rough its still not that bad. i expect a lot)

my back has been really itchy. ugh.

its also been decided upon that a break is being taken from a certain friendship. amicably. much more than last time. maybe a month. maybe several. we'll see. i made my opinion on things perfectly clear. and they were ignored of course. and thats how this river flows.

it took a funeral, to make me feel alive.

i feel inspired.

and as i said my goodbye... i kissed her on her forehead... down to her nose... and slowly her lips... "why you gotta do this to me".....

im taking my computer with me... so i might blog... something for you to look forward to..

i think thats pretty much it...

goddamn dodgers... looks like no world series for me....

there are some nice fancy apartments in fresno... come to find out...

everything in my world is wearing your disease

maybe you took me to place that i hoped i would never go
and maybe that place fucked me up much more than you'll ever know

went to lunch and movies w tiffany and her mom today. it was her bday. good times. whip it was a good movie after all.

who surrendered
this monumental loss
praying the answers
would come across
true deceit
with a beautiful lie
each prayer heard
and each denied

im in a lil better spirits today.

tomorrow back to the grind. then fly fly away. i need to pack.

id like to roll up my pants
step in the water
hand in hand
being surrounded
by fire
engage in something memorable

portrait of a goddess

someday

god don't like fresno

"take all you can, give nothing back" - jack sparrow

a pirates life for me.

went shopping today. and went to the fresno fair. i must say. quite different than paso. dear god. i feel outta place. very few white people there. not that im racist. but its uncomfortable. black sheep.

tomorrow is football and housecleaning day.

tuesday i leave for vegas.

i also did whip its today too. those are fun. anybody that can do drugs recreationally and not have it detour their life in anyway negative, im all for it. heres to ya. and fuck ya'll if ya dont like it :)

i need to get outta my funk. this is no good. i notice i get read more tho as i am more depressed. haha.

sooooo where do we go from here. i dunno. its been a hard twisted road. and i'm walkin that shit.

things falling apart

started off the day with finding out im not getting my house. 30 other offers. yes thirty.

highlight of my day. i got to help style food thats gonna be on the food network show unwrapped. food i helped out with on tv. pretty neat.

i feel blah. im tired. i need some good sleep. i need something.

so. gradually everything has snowballed downhill. into a pile of shit. what a mood im in right. heh.

k. i may not know much anymore. but if i do know anything its frozen mexican style food. its my niche. heres how we fix this:

three layers

seperate out the potatoes. do them in 1/2" cubes. they'll go on the bottom.

keep the eggs and veggies together.

take the cheese outta mix and separate it into a sauce. because you couldn't even tell it was in the product. use a white cheese too. this will be the top layer. add some spice to the sauce. liiiiiiiiiiiike an ancho cheese sauce.

so you got cheese sauce, then eggs/veggies, then potatoes. you got color. you got texture. you got more flavor. you got a sellable product.

its funny the way my brain works now. disecting left out "enchiladas" on a friends table. heh.

i need another drink.

disgusting

i guess im pissed off because things arent going the way i want them to...

you have this plan in your head... of what you want to be... and you do all you can to get there... grow as a person... physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.... be pretty fuckin successful... and you hit a glass ceiling... its not good enough... i want more... i need more... i cant have more...

im fucking sunburnt...

was absolutely shitty at golf today... how embarrassing...

and i really got nothing good to say...
oi i have a headache.

im sure being out in the sun all day is gonna do wonders for that.

and im still pissed off. but now at multiple things. yay.

i need a damn vacation.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckedup

yes i am

never in my life.... have i had such a relationship/friendship/whatever that has caused me so much grief.... and i've had it.... horseshit after horseshit after horseshit... maybe its not... maybe ex lovers cant be friends... i dont fucking know anymore... but im sick of this shit... so i dunno where to go w that from here...

im happy im golfing tomorrow... i hope i do ok...

i need to think of something good for saturday...

i need to put more effort into certain things...

lets cover it all up with booze.... like we used to... (i did that purposely to rhyme)

x to your oh

some are, so far, away

got a good haircut. skeet skeet.

work has been boring the past two days. couple tests. waiting for some lab results. bla bla

thursday im playin golf instead of working. well actually im gettin paid. haha.

i dunno what else. i dunno what is goin on this weekend.

i really didnt have much to say.

soooo yeah.

there's no place like home

its grey. its cold. its my element. and my blood is dark and warm.

im not sure what time im going back today. im not sure i even want to. but i got priorities. i got two different lives.

yesterday. went and played pool in pismo w mike. good times. came back to town. picked up allix and we went to the cheese shop and coffee shop. gave me a good idea to be a burrito for halloween. i thought that was quite brilliant. so let it be written. so let it be done.

in the night
here them talk
about the cruelest story ever told
how he lost is soul
to a woman so heartless

i need to go pick up a new shirt today.

and all he got in return was (pain)

everytime i grasp a dream another slips through my fingers....

today... there was a hour and a half whirlwind... intense... i went from incredibly shitty... to incredibly stressed... to incredibly overwhelmed... with the end result being this... i had an idea when i first got to this company... of a caffeinated product... it took a few tries.. but i successfully created one... and showed it to the owner today... he said "lets launch it march"...................................... oh. fuck. did i just create a food item thats going to be launched nationwide... i believe so. well i hope so. we have testing and such to do. but the CEO loves the idea.... he wants me to show it in vegas in a couple weeks but thats not doable... but i really really hope this goes through... this... right here... is what ive wanted... are you proud now?

and that was today. came back to paso tonight. told my parents the nice news. then drove to slo and went to a concert. with mike. in which its been yeaaaaaaaaaars since ive seen... and it was refreshing to see him. hasnt changed too much from what i can tell. met the wife. she's good people. and im a good judge of character. i can just tell right away with some people. im quite judgemental. heh. soooo we'll all hangout tomorrow. also going out with Christina. i kinda wanna go fishing with my dad sunday. in the ocean. but i have to get up at 4am. i dunno. i still need to see kristina and haley. i dunno how im going to work all of this out. i wish all my friends were over there. life would be quite different. i mean, as much as ive gotten established in the valley and done good for myself, my soul is still here. its not like im not myself in fresno, its just, different.

i'm sorree. im uglee.

my parents always have such good food here. mmm.
when all you have is a hammer...
everything begins to look like a nail...

true love waits?

ive been thinkin alot about my wedding lately. and having kids. weird.

i hope im not being held back because i did something somebody else couldnt.

im going home this weekend. again.
today i got asked how my fairytale life was... i said its incomplete... i think im gettin close to piecin this fucker together... i can see the pieces... there just on the other side of the room and i have to go get them and fit them...

i made a pretty good product today im excited about... gotta show it to one person tomorrow morning before i get approval to unveil this bitch...

erm, the bars on my cage have been opened...

i dunno what im doin this weekend.

piss n vinegar

shit and bricks. excuse me. shit and rocks.

ughhhhh work was lame. dont get me wrong. i made two pretty damn good products i thought today. but apparently you can criticize anything. im getting better at prototyping. obviously. maybe im threatening? is that egotistical to think that? i'll tell you what. ive gotten here doin things my way. listening to advice but barely following. cuz i usually find that my way works out in the end. do i stop trusting my instincts now? fuck no. we've come to far to stop believing in my skills now.

so ive been awfully cranky. and snippy. and angry. i think the extra testosterone is kicking in. reviews on this stuff say it builds muscle fast, increases sex drive, but also my cause anger or roid rage if you will. i think it does help me build. i think it does make me have a short fuse. but i dunno about my sex drive. too much information?

didnt here shit on my house today. so i guess tomorrow is the do or die news. if i dont get this one i think im pretty close to being fucked. i'd have to move into 30 day escrow territory. for something say i find this week and get a deal done next week. if that could even happen. sooo if this one doesn't go through im gonna be unhappy. but i know i looked at a lot of places. and put in the best offers i could. and the rest was out of my hands. but we'll see tomorrow.

biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite me

i want another one

things keep rollin. pretty decent day. got my itinerary for vegas. gonna be involved on a project w del taco. got taken out to lunch. good stuff. tomorrow morning will be busy.

what else what else what else.

i dunno.

i feel good.
i love sundays. its usually my lazy day. i sit around. watch football. smoke cigarettes. and work out. life is good today.

should get to work on some good stuff at work this week.

anxious to find out about the house.

vegas trip slowly approaching.
i find that
drivin with all my windows down
on the freeway
is just like
having a convertible

ask and you shall receive

because im diluted
perfectly flawed
i choose to
live by passion
and not by law

i want to play with fire
the fire that mesmerizes me
i want to touch it
taste it
im not afraid
to burn

im tired.

highest and best

thats the offer i put in. i should find out around tuesday.

im so tired. i wanna nap.

i think sometimes. i need emotional nails driven into my heart. crucify it. and wear it on display.

kinda morbid yes.

stabbing eastward

my dreams are born and die in the same place.

im very tired.

and not too happy.

but its good to have a place to go.
rumor has it i'm back in my element.